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Tuesday, May 16, 2017


perspective comes easy when you have hindsight. Certainly each soul is challenged to see their own perspective.

I am nearly frozen. Burying my head, trying to avoid tasks that I need to complete. Serious things. Important things. I feel afraid to complete them. I feel afraid to NOT complete them.

In a order to "search my soul" I decided to come here. Type it out and see if anything makes sense.

In full disclosure, I am in the process of applying for readmission to the PhD program at the University of Michigan. I am currently a PhD/ABD (all but dissertation) I completed everything for my PhD except my dissertation. The school offered me full funding, including a stipend and health insurance. I still need to put the application in and be officially accepted. I found a dissertation chair (faculty mentor) which was going to be the biggest hurdle. I need to take the majority of the coursework again.

I think I am afraid. I think I am scared shitless to be exact.

Money is a huge issue. Not so much during the program, but right now, and during the summer months.

I am tired. I get kicked in the teeth so much. Nearly every turn I take comes with a teeth kicking. I always pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward. I am just tired of it.

I am not healthy. I am not sick, however I have not made healthy choices and thus, my body is not as healthy as it should be. Years of unhealthy choices are difficult to break.

So.....what is causing this avoidance? Likely a combination of all the above. I know that I need to just do it. Just keep swimming.....figure it out and DO IT. I will feel better when it is done. I think that is what is the most perplexing part. It feels terrible to know I need to do it and NOT be doing it. I know I will feel better once I do these WHY?

I found some courage here. As I had hoped. Now to do it.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Quick thought

I have many things to say. I seem to communicate effectively in writing vs. speaking. My lectures are nearly flawless when I am lecturing about topics I know deeply and that I am passionate about. When speaking about my inner feelings, it seems I trip over my words. I am not able to find the words to attach to my voice. When I allow my fingers to be the conduit to my inner thoughts, the words seem to flow out as I feel them. Thus, it makes sense to put them down here.

Time seems to escape me. I try different things to manage my time better, it is difficult to stick to anything. Currently I am trying to bullet journal. I really want it to work. Nevertheless, I already am challenged by keeping it current.

I am feeling a bit of pressure knowing that I am not teaching this summer. I don't really want to work in the formal sense of the word. I really want to use the time to explore, create and share. That is a big pipe dream when I have bills to pay! I am going to be creative though and work out some plan.

My reading this morning included this "I don't have to finish in order to be whole".....finish as it relates to personal growth.

Read that again. I don't have to finish in order to be whole. That is such a freeing statement. Truly. How many times in working on something have I thought....ok....once I get a handle on this.....I will be close. It is never ending. Life, improvement of self, all of constant. We don't have to finish for us to be enough, JUST THE WAY WE ARE RIGHT NOW.

REVELATION. Mind Blown. More later.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Long time......

It has been some time since I have been here. I need to write more here. It is cathartic.Many things have changed since I last posted. Mainly the looming divorce, the sale of my home and the move to an apartment in Ann Arbor. I enjoy living alone although I do miss my house (and my washer and dryer). All in all.....I keep moving forward. I will be back more often.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015


I would really like to know, in no uncertain is it that I, for 53 years now have dealt with this feeling of insecurity? other people have this horrifying feeling of being an imposter? For their entire life?

 I turn a corner, I rise above and cut the ties to old stories and write new stories.....then a new chapter opens and it is all the same some wolf in sheeps some painfully horrible nightmare that you want to wake up from and no matter how hard you pinch yourself you don't wake up, you just keep living in this nightmare.

When does it end? WHEN? seriously, shouldn't there be some reward for coming around the mountain for the 40th time? For crying out loud, this is just insane. How can your mental state KNOW, logically, mindfully you know it is all a veil of deciept ....yet emotionally you are back at the beginning of the every loving, god forsaken, FUCKING path that you already walked 40 times....isn't there a place of rest from it?

AND add salt to the wound....failure for real comes nipping at my heels?

Sooo...let's put this into perspective. I have been succesful all of these years....but have felt like a failure. I recently get myself to the point that I can cut old ties and say....that is not my story any longer.....I am moving forward with my new story. I truly, truly walked away from the old story..................and now....the reality is that the old story may just be true?

WHAT THE FUCK? No. Seriously. What the fuck.....I just shake my head......I must have lead a horrible life in my past life.........and this life is paying the price.

Would it really be so bad to just start a new life? I am actually worth more dead then I am alive. So Dave actually would be better off. My kids have moved on...they would miss me....but...only once in a while. I of course have no courge to do anything like what I am suggesting, so if you are reading this, please don't worry.....I am just thinking out loud....getting out some emotion that apparently needs to come out.
I think for the first time in my life, my rose colored glasses have fallen off and I just don't see how it is going to get better and I don't know what I am going to do when/if it gets worse. My whole life I have laughed at all the rotten shit that has happened to me and said.....let's just keep moving forward, let's make this life what we want it to be, no matter what gets thrown at us.......I think I finally have hit the end of it......and if this all falls apart now........I truly, truly don't know what I will do....I don't know how to fix any of this......not one fucking clue.
I know I need to keep moving forward and hope to keep it all together.....but.........honestly, I am so tired...soo so tired. I need a break......I need something to go my way...something to make this NOT fall just can' polly anna just walked out the door......

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Welcome Everything.....Push away nothing.........

Welcome everything and push away nothing is a mantra that a spiritual teacher of mine said to me. It sounds fairly straight forward and quite easy....until you think about what that actually means. Welcome everything. Every bad feeling, every unsure thought, every piece of sadness and grief........everything....welcome it ALL. Don't push away anything.......don't say....."no I am not going to feel this right now.......rather.Welcome.everything.push.away.nothing.

Who has time for that? We all should. We all need to allow the feelings and emotions that waft through us to be acknowledged. It doesn't mean that we "wallow" in them. Meditation requires us to focus on the present moment. Often I find the "monkey mind" where my thoughts are jumping around from thought to thought. As we learn to control our thoughts we realize that it isn't that we don't THINK these thoughts, but rather, allow them to come and then to go. Similar to a screen door to the mind. The thoughts come, we acknowledge them and then allow them to go on through the screen.

So, my father died 3 weeks ago. I am doing very well with my grief. I am allowing it to be present when it needs to be. I am feeling the significance of the loss. What is complicating this for me is the nature of some of the remaining relationships.

For the majority of my life there is someone that has hurt me. I now need to make a decision if I will continue to have a relationship with this person. There is a part of me that believes this is a no brainer....certainly it is time to end the cyclical process of hurt and forgiveness...........and another part of me that is simply confused by other thoughts.

I need a safe place to vocalize everything to help myself come to some conclusion that is the right thing to do. These thoughts and feelings about this situation are heavy and they don't just breeze through the screen door....they settle in my mind and don't allow me to sort them out..........they just sit on top of my chest, so I feel a bit like I am suffocating...........this of course makes me want to push them away.........yet I need to Welcome everything and push away nothing...........

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Ticking on

I am happy that I can say that I have not lost my father yet. He continues to fight this battle between life and death. I can only imagine how difficult this battle is for him on the inside, working for every single breath. Knowing that he is not afraid to die, that is not why he is fighting.....he has a vision of where he is going and is excited to be there when the time is right. He just doesn't believe that it is his even though his lungs are failing, his heart is failing, his kidney has failed......he keeps on ticking. There is a large part of me that does not want to see him suffer and wants him to move on to the better place he is going to. But this small part of me is very happy to have my dad still here.....that I can still say that my father is not dead. Although he hasn't been able to kiss me or hug me, or tell me that he loves me...he is still here. I do selfishly hope I get those one more time.......

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Confessions of a daughter about ot lose her father..........

I am one of 8 people that my father has called his children for the last 43 years. There are 7 of us left and all total 55 and that doesn't count those who are part of the family but just not married in yet. On top of that, he is one of 8 children himself.....and that family numbers into the hundreds. Moreover, he is one of the most loved members of our family. Thus....this man who lays dying in the bed next to me has streams of people coming to see him......and all I want is to be here with him.....alone....Selfish beyond measure, no question. However, given the fact that this is the man that loves me like no one else could ever love me......not too surprising. I at least recognize this selfishness and I am not pushing anyone out of the door! It is a silent selfishness......and I pray it is not visible to anyone else here as they all deserve to be here and feel the unselfish soul of this giant of a man.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


A insightful teacher of mine shared this on his facebook tonight. I needed to read this:

Suffering is exacerbated by avoidance. The effort to avoid no matter how normal or natural simply doesn’t work. Even if you think you’re successful—look more closely, you will realize your not. There is the dread of the sufferings return. There is the way we carry the unacknowledged, undigested suffering in the body.
Our avoidance and attempts at false self-protection cause us to live in a small dark corner of our life. We imagine there is nothing we can do about our suffering and so we slip into a numbing paralysis.
But there is a sense of possibility and even ease that emerges when we realize that we have a capacity to bear witness …to turn toward what we have tried to avoid.
When we breathe and just let it be there. Not defending ourselves against it. Not trying to talk ourselves out of it. Not trying to figure out strategies to fix it… we allow the suffering space. Anything we give space to can move. It is free to open, to unfold, to revel its true causes. Often in allowing, we discover a point of stillness, even peacefulness—right in the middle of the suffering. 
Frank Ostaseski
This place that I am in, the colliding of the daughter in me and the hospice professional, is really me attempting to avoid suffering. I have said tonight "I need to be on top of this to get my dad through this, then I can cry" The truth is I just don't want to feel the pain of losing my father. I don't want to suffer that experience. I think it is time to sit in meditation and be with the present even if the present is something I think I wish to avoid.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014


If you have never experienced vertigo, count yourself lucky! I have had a dizzy spell me when I say that vertigo is much more than a dizzy spell. The world spins....even when you are laying in bed with your eyes closed. This sensation logically leads to nausea and when lasting long enough you become diaphoretic (sweat like a pig). I have had 3 episodes of this in the last few weeks. The first one I was seen by a doctor and he said I had fluid behind my eardrums. He called this a viral infection in my ears and gave me zofran (for nausea) and antivert (to help with the dizziness). The second time was during yoga. (yes, it ruined a yoga session....that did not make me happy). The third time was today. My boss was around (he is a nurse practitioner) and he took my blood pressure, which was high (it is typically low). I am finished with my audit here in Illinois so I could have driven back to Michigan. Needless to say, when the world is spinning, I probably shouldn't drive. So I am in the hotel hoping to be well enough to get back to Michigan tomorrow. I will go to work at my Grand Rapids office for a bit then go to see my father who will be coming home from the hospital and signing up with Hospice care. I want him to feel as good as he can and to live as long as he can and I know that hospice can help him do that. It has been a stressful week and is only half over! :)

Monday, July 21, 2014

Can't quite put my finger on it.........

Life is incredibly cyclical. A more crude way to put it.....same shit, different day. I remind myself that each day I learn and grow. If I think back to who I was when I was 18, I can see the maturity and the growth. Yet, I can also see the same little girl. Quirky, awkward, and often confused. I think that is part of what life is about, learning to deal with those quirky parts of you that seem to tag along all through life. Today I am tired of the learning process. Tired of this awkward part of me that feels lost and confused. I really just want to reach this calm peacefuly moment of self appreciation and love. It isn't that I don't have those moments now, it is more that I think that by this point there shouldn't be moments of the SAME awkward confusion. At least give me something new to deal with! :) Oh boy....Lets not put that out into the universe! Ok. Those words were begging to be spoken and this is the only place I had to do it. Now that I got that off my chest, hopefully some of this negative vibe will flee and peace will settle in. Perhaps even a good cry.