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Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Perspective

perspective comes easy when you have hindsight. Certainly each soul is challenged to see their own perspective.

I am nearly frozen. Burying my head, trying to avoid tasks that I need to complete. Serious things. Important things. I feel afraid to complete them. I feel afraid to NOT complete them.

In a order to "search my soul" I decided to come here. Type it out and see if anything makes sense.

In full disclosure, I am in the process of applying for readmission to the PhD program at the University of Michigan. I am currently a PhD/ABD (all but dissertation) I completed everything for my PhD except my dissertation. The school offered me full funding, including a stipend and health insurance. I still need to put the application in and be officially accepted. I found a dissertation chair (faculty mentor) which was going to be the biggest hurdle. I need to take the majority of the coursework again.

I think I am afraid. I think I am scared shitless to be exact.

Money is a huge issue. Not so much during the program, but right now, and during the summer months.

I am tired. I get kicked in the teeth so much. Nearly every turn I take comes with a teeth kicking. I always pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward. I am just tired of it.

I am not healthy. I am not sick, however I have not made healthy choices and thus, my body is not as healthy as it should be. Years of unhealthy choices are difficult to break.

So.....what is causing this avoidance? Likely a combination of all the above. I know that I need to just do it. Just keep swimming.....figure it out and DO IT. I will feel better when it is done. I think that is what is the most perplexing part. It feels terrible to know I need to do it and NOT be doing it. I know I will feel better once I do these things....so WHY?

I found some courage here. As I had hoped. Now to do it.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Quick thought

I have many things to say. I seem to communicate effectively in writing vs. speaking. My lectures are nearly flawless when I am lecturing about topics I know deeply and that I am passionate about. When speaking about my inner feelings, it seems I trip over my words. I am not able to find the words to attach to my voice. When I allow my fingers to be the conduit to my inner thoughts, the words seem to flow out as I feel them. Thus, it makes sense to put them down here.

Time seems to escape me. I try different things to manage my time better, it is difficult to stick to anything. Currently I am trying to bullet journal. I really want it to work. Nevertheless, I already am challenged by keeping it current.

I am feeling a bit of pressure knowing that I am not teaching this summer. I don't really want to work in the formal sense of the word. I really want to use the time to explore, create and share. That is a big pipe dream when I have bills to pay! I am going to be creative though and work out some plan.

My reading this morning included this "I don't have to finish in order to be whole".....finish as it relates to personal growth.

Read that again. I don't have to finish in order to be whole. That is such a freeing statement. Truly. How many times in working on something have I thought....ok....once I get a handle on this.....I will be close. It is never ending. Life, improvement of self, all of it.....is constant. We don't have to finish for us to be enough, JUST THE WAY WE ARE RIGHT NOW.

REVELATION. Mind Blown. More later.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Long time......

It has been some time since I have been here. I need to write more here. It is cathartic.Many things have changed since I last posted. Mainly the looming divorce, the sale of my home and the move to an apartment in Ann Arbor. I enjoy living alone although I do miss my house (and my washer and dryer). All in all.....I keep moving forward. I will be back more often.