Safe places.....
I am sure that there are people who read this, however I believe it is few and far between....so it feels like a safe place to put it all out there. It isn't like I haven't put it all out there recently....in public....starting a Go Fund Me account and advertising it on my Facebook page...and recently my Instagram (which is strictly my happy and drama free place). How did I get here you ask? I am going to "tell" this story one more time....here, then I am moving on from it. Since others may read this, I will spare some details that may hurt others. This has been my "story".
My story begins as a child, feeling as if I was never worthy of love. I have no idea how that was my internal message. Something pre-verbal? However that came to be, it has been my cross to bear. I am slightly socially awkward due to this. I am happy to stay home alone....although I also long to go out and have friends. I have many acquaintances , many special people....none of which I would ask for a ride, or much of anything else. Not because they wouldn't do it, mainly because I (subconsciously) feel I am not worthy. Now....in saying that....please understand that in my 56 years of living, I have made significant progress with my internal message. This means that logically I know it is not true that I "am not worthy". It remains something that I must tell myself, remind myself, and change the self talk.
Knowing the above helps understand some of the other things that are to come.
I am a fighter and I have always kept moving forward. I don't sit and wallow and feel sorry for myself. I just have done what it takes to make things happen. I was divorced from the father of my children when the three of them were all under the age of 5 years old. I had no marketable skills. I worked doing whatever I could do. I then put myself through nursing school and became a nurse. I rose quickly in those ranks. I think the "fake it till you make it" philosophy applied. This of course gave me pause as to why I was being promoted.....they made some mistake.....I wasn't really that good. I had gotten an associates degree, so I went back to school and completed my bachelors in nursing. As I did that, I thought how much I loved to learn and applied to the University of Michigan School of Nursing to complete a BSN to PhD program. It would take 5 years. I quit my job and sold my house in the small town I was born and raised in and moved myself to Ann Arbor. My youngest was 20 years old by then, so no harm no foul right? I was given funding, including a stipend. I had $50K in my retirement fund and life was looking pretty sweet. One week before classes began I received a letter stating the NIH grant ,that my funding was coming out of, was now gone...thus....my funding was gone. I scrambled. I took out a student loan and accessed my retirement fund to live on.
I wrote the above the last day of July 2017. It is now nearly the last day of August 2017. I thought somehow telling it all (which I have not finished) would be my releasing of it all. It seems daunting to tell it all. what if I miss an important piece of the story? Will I want to go back and add to it? GAH....
So. Moving on. I used my entire $50,000 retirement fund and racked up $250K in student loans. Yes, you earned that correctly. Salt in the wound......I have no advanced degree as a result of all of that money. I completed 3 years of course work in the PhD program, including a master's thesis. I had no effective or meaningful mentor. I was her "first" PhD student. It was wrong how I was handled as a student. After I finished my course work I just needed to complete prelims and my dissertation. I however, was tired of being poor and got a full time job - incorrectly thinking I could do both. Continuous enrollment at the University of Michigan.....for 8 years......when May of 2015 rolled around and I had to withdraw. Instantly I began working on at least getting a masters degree from this horrible situation. In the meantime - I was hired to begin teaching at the School of Nursing - at a clinical instructor...for Fall 2015. My dream come true...even though I have no advanced degree.....teaching is my heart.
Fast forward. May 2017. In the course of the 2 years since I withdrew, the School of Nursing realized they were amiss in my situation. They developed a Masters of Science degree for students such as myself. I was told I would be confered this degree. The regents approved it...etc, etc. Now....I am told...only current students can be awarded this degree. NOT ME. NOT. ME.
Forget that I have spent over $300K, including my retirement, that my student loan payments are more than my rent.....that I had to sell my house because of them, AND.....my credit score will never again be high.....or even medium...due to the debt load of the loans. Forget that.......I am not claiming that I PAID for a masters degree......I am stating a fact that I have earned it....EARNED it. 3 years of course work and a master's thesis....truly......I have earned it.
Thus...my continuous fight with a university that is also my employer, for a job that is my dream.
There are many things that I can say....but this tells you what my soul says......in the face of being told NO.....more than you possibly could imagine..........."Throw me to the wolves and I will come back.....Leading the pack".
There is so much more. I think I have set the ground work though. This is.....the story of my life....and.....my fight to be whole.
My story begins as a child, feeling as if I was never worthy of love. I have no idea how that was my internal message. Something pre-verbal? However that came to be, it has been my cross to bear. I am slightly socially awkward due to this. I am happy to stay home alone....although I also long to go out and have friends. I have many acquaintances , many special people....none of which I would ask for a ride, or much of anything else. Not because they wouldn't do it, mainly because I (subconsciously) feel I am not worthy. Now....in saying that....please understand that in my 56 years of living, I have made significant progress with my internal message. This means that logically I know it is not true that I "am not worthy". It remains something that I must tell myself, remind myself, and change the self talk.
Knowing the above helps understand some of the other things that are to come.
I am a fighter and I have always kept moving forward. I don't sit and wallow and feel sorry for myself. I just have done what it takes to make things happen. I was divorced from the father of my children when the three of them were all under the age of 5 years old. I had no marketable skills. I worked doing whatever I could do. I then put myself through nursing school and became a nurse. I rose quickly in those ranks. I think the "fake it till you make it" philosophy applied. This of course gave me pause as to why I was being promoted.....they made some mistake.....I wasn't really that good. I had gotten an associates degree, so I went back to school and completed my bachelors in nursing. As I did that, I thought how much I loved to learn and applied to the University of Michigan School of Nursing to complete a BSN to PhD program. It would take 5 years. I quit my job and sold my house in the small town I was born and raised in and moved myself to Ann Arbor. My youngest was 20 years old by then, so no harm no foul right? I was given funding, including a stipend. I had $50K in my retirement fund and life was looking pretty sweet. One week before classes began I received a letter stating the NIH grant ,that my funding was coming out of, was now gone...thus....my funding was gone. I scrambled. I took out a student loan and accessed my retirement fund to live on.
I wrote the above the last day of July 2017. It is now nearly the last day of August 2017. I thought somehow telling it all (which I have not finished) would be my releasing of it all. It seems daunting to tell it all. what if I miss an important piece of the story? Will I want to go back and add to it? GAH....
So. Moving on. I used my entire $50,000 retirement fund and racked up $250K in student loans. Yes, you earned that correctly. Salt in the wound......I have no advanced degree as a result of all of that money. I completed 3 years of course work in the PhD program, including a master's thesis. I had no effective or meaningful mentor. I was her "first" PhD student. It was wrong how I was handled as a student. After I finished my course work I just needed to complete prelims and my dissertation. I however, was tired of being poor and got a full time job - incorrectly thinking I could do both. Continuous enrollment at the University of Michigan.....for 8 years......when May of 2015 rolled around and I had to withdraw. Instantly I began working on at least getting a masters degree from this horrible situation. In the meantime - I was hired to begin teaching at the School of Nursing - at a clinical instructor...for Fall 2015. My dream come true...even though I have no advanced degree.....teaching is my heart.
Fast forward. May 2017. In the course of the 2 years since I withdrew, the School of Nursing realized they were amiss in my situation. They developed a Masters of Science degree for students such as myself. I was told I would be confered this degree. The regents approved it...etc, etc. Now....I am told...only current students can be awarded this degree. NOT ME. NOT. ME.
Forget that I have spent over $300K, including my retirement, that my student loan payments are more than my rent.....that I had to sell my house because of them, AND.....my credit score will never again be high.....or even medium...due to the debt load of the loans. Forget that.......I am not claiming that I PAID for a masters degree......I am stating a fact that I have earned it....EARNED it. 3 years of course work and a master's thesis....truly......I have earned it.
Thus...my continuous fight with a university that is also my employer, for a job that is my dream.
There are many things that I can say....but this tells you what my soul says......in the face of being told NO.....more than you possibly could imagine..........."Throw me to the wolves and I will come back.....Leading the pack".
There is so much more. I think I have set the ground work though. This is.....the story of my life....and.....my fight to be whole.
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