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Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Perspective

perspective comes easy when you have hindsight. Certainly each soul is challenged to see their own perspective.

I am nearly frozen. Burying my head, trying to avoid tasks that I need to complete. Serious things. Important things. I feel afraid to complete them. I feel afraid to NOT complete them.

In a order to "search my soul" I decided to come here. Type it out and see if anything makes sense.

In full disclosure, I am in the process of applying for readmission to the PhD program at the University of Michigan. I am currently a PhD/ABD (all but dissertation) I completed everything for my PhD except my dissertation. The school offered me full funding, including a stipend and health insurance. I still need to put the application in and be officially accepted. I found a dissertation chair (faculty mentor) which was going to be the biggest hurdle. I need to take the majority of the coursework again.

I think I am afraid. I think I am scared shitless to be exact.

Money is a huge issue. Not so much during the program, but right now, and during the summer months.

I am tired. I get kicked in the teeth so much. Nearly every turn I take comes with a teeth kicking. I always pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward. I am just tired of it.

I am not healthy. I am not sick, however I have not made healthy choices and thus, my body is not as healthy as it should be. Years of unhealthy choices are difficult to break.

So.....what is causing this avoidance? Likely a combination of all the above. I know that I need to just do it. Just keep swimming.....figure it out and DO IT. I will feel better when it is done. I think that is what is the most perplexing part. It feels terrible to know I need to do it and NOT be doing it. I know I will feel better once I do these things....so WHY?

I found some courage here. As I had hoped. Now to do it.

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