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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Welcome Everything.....Push away nothing.........

Welcome everything and push away nothing is a mantra that a spiritual teacher of mine said to me. It sounds fairly straight forward and quite easy....until you think about what that actually means. Welcome everything. Every bad feeling, every unsure thought, every piece of sadness and grief........everything....welcome it ALL. Don't push away anything.......don't say....."no I am not going to feel this right now.......rather.Welcome.everything.push.away.nothing.

Who has time for that? We all should. We all need to allow the feelings and emotions that waft through us to be acknowledged. It doesn't mean that we "wallow" in them. Meditation requires us to focus on the present moment. Often I find the "monkey mind" where my thoughts are jumping around from thought to thought. As we learn to control our thoughts we realize that it isn't that we don't THINK these thoughts, but rather, allow them to come and then to go. Similar to a screen door to the mind. The thoughts come, we acknowledge them and then allow them to go on through the screen.

So, my father died 3 weeks ago. I am doing very well with my grief. I am allowing it to be present when it needs to be. I am feeling the significance of the loss. What is complicating this for me is the nature of some of the remaining relationships.

For the majority of my life there is someone that has hurt me. I now need to make a decision if I will continue to have a relationship with this person. There is a part of me that believes this is a no brainer....certainly it is time to end the cyclical process of hurt and forgiveness...........and another part of me that is simply confused by other thoughts.

I need a safe place to vocalize everything to help myself come to some conclusion that is the right thing to do. These thoughts and feelings about this situation are heavy and they don't just breeze through the screen door....they settle in my mind and don't allow me to sort them out..........they just sit on top of my chest, so I feel a bit like I am suffocating...........this of course makes me want to push them away.........yet I need to Welcome everything and push away nothing...........

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Ticking on

I am happy that I can say that I have not lost my father yet. He continues to fight this battle between life and death. I can only imagine how difficult this battle is for him on the inside, working for every single breath. Knowing that he is not afraid to die, that is not why he is fighting.....he has a vision of where he is going and is excited to be there when the time is right. He just doesn't believe that it is his even though his lungs are failing, his heart is failing, his kidney has failed......he keeps on ticking. There is a large part of me that does not want to see him suffer and wants him to move on to the better place he is going to. But this small part of me is very happy to have my dad still here.....that I can still say that my father is not dead. Although he hasn't been able to kiss me or hug me, or tell me that he loves me...he is still here. I do selfishly hope I get those one more time.......

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Confessions of a daughter about ot lose her father..........

I am one of 8 people that my father has called his children for the last 43 years. There are 7 of us left and all total 55 and that doesn't count those who are part of the family but just not married in yet. On top of that, he is one of 8 children himself.....and that family numbers into the hundreds. Moreover, he is one of the most loved members of our family. Thus....this man who lays dying in the bed next to me has streams of people coming to see him......and all I want is to be here with him.....alone....Selfish beyond measure, no question. However, given the fact that this is the man that loves me like no one else could ever love me......not too surprising. I at least recognize this selfishness and I am not pushing anyone out of the door! It is a silent selfishness......and I pray it is not visible to anyone else here as they all deserve to be here and feel the unselfish soul of this giant of a man.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


A insightful teacher of mine shared this on his facebook tonight. I needed to read this:

Suffering is exacerbated by avoidance. The effort to avoid no matter how normal or natural simply doesn’t work. Even if you think you’re successful—look more closely, you will realize your not. There is the dread of the sufferings return. There is the way we carry the unacknowledged, undigested suffering in the body.
Our avoidance and attempts at false self-protection cause us to live in a small dark corner of our life. We imagine there is nothing we can do about our suffering and so we slip into a numbing paralysis.
But there is a sense of possibility and even ease that emerges when we realize that we have a capacity to bear witness …to turn toward what we have tried to avoid.
When we breathe and just let it be there. Not defending ourselves against it. Not trying to talk ourselves out of it. Not trying to figure out strategies to fix it… we allow the suffering space. Anything we give space to can move. It is free to open, to unfold, to revel its true causes. Often in allowing, we discover a point of stillness, even peacefulness—right in the middle of the suffering. 
Frank Ostaseski
This place that I am in, the colliding of the daughter in me and the hospice professional, is really me attempting to avoid suffering. I have said tonight "I need to be on top of this to get my dad through this, then I can cry" The truth is I just don't want to feel the pain of losing my father. I don't want to suffer that experience. I think it is time to sit in meditation and be with the present even if the present is something I think I wish to avoid.