I would really like to know, in no uncertain terms.....how is it that I, for 53 years now have dealt with this feeling of insecurity? Really....do other people have this horrifying feeling of being an imposter? For their entire life?
I turn a corner, I rise above and cut the ties to old stories and write new stories.....then a new chapter opens and it is all the same stuff......like some wolf in sheeps clothing.......like some painfully horrible nightmare that you want to wake up from and no matter how hard you pinch yourself you don't wake up, you just keep living in this nightmare.
When does it end? WHEN? seriously, shouldn't there be some reward for coming around the mountain for the 40th time? For crying out loud, this is just insane. How can your mental state KNOW, logically, mindfully you know it is all a veil of deciept ....yet emotionally you are back at the beginning of the every loving, god forsaken, FUCKING path that you already walked 40 times....isn't there a place of rest from it?
AND then...to add salt to the wound....failure for real comes nipping at my heels?
Sooo...let's put this into perspective. I have been succesful all of these years....but have felt like a failure. I recently get myself to the point that I can cut old ties and say....that is not my story any longer.....I am moving forward with my new story. I truly, truly walked away from the old story..................and now....the reality is that the old story may just be true?
WHAT THE FUCK? No. Seriously. What the fuck.....I just shake my head......I must have lead a horrible life in my past life.........and this life is paying the price.
Would it really be so bad to just start a new life? I am actually worth more dead then I am alive. So Dave actually would be better off. My kids have moved on...they would miss me....but...only once in a while. I of course have no courge to do anything like what I am suggesting, so if you are reading this, please don't worry.....I am just thinking out loud....getting out some emotion that apparently needs to come out.
I think for the first time in my life, my rose colored glasses have fallen off and I just don't see how it is going to get better and I don't know what I am going to do when/if it gets worse. My whole life I have laughed at all the rotten shit that has happened to me and said.....let's just keep moving forward, let's make this life what we want it to be, no matter what gets thrown at us.......I think I finally have hit the end of it......and if this all falls apart now........I truly, truly don't know what I will do....I don't know how to fix any of this......not one fucking clue.
I know I need to keep moving forward and hope to keep it all together.....but.........honestly, I am so tired...soo so tired. I need a break......I need something to go my way...something to make this NOT fall apart.....it just can't.....my polly anna just walked out the door......